Degradation?

How all elephants should be treated

Inadequate space

Progress report

We learned that the Girls' former caregiver, identified as a woman named "Debbie," had issued an appeal for the return of the Girls.

We were unmoved.

Yesterday we sent a message to Debbie letting her know that the Girls are doing much better in our care, but that we are running out of peanuts. We attached the following photo to prove that the Girls are in our possession:

We received the reply below.


Dear Misguided Elephant Thief:

You have no idea the damage that you are causing to these fragile beings. If you look closely at the picture you have so callously forwarded you will see a tear rolling down the cheek of the middle elephant. Is this distress from being face to face with Rosie DiManno and her lot? No, no, my dear M.E.T. this is because they miss their loving caregiver and extended fam. I would like to turn your attention to Rosie DiManno free article from Oct. 8/06 in The New York Times 'An Elephant Crackup?'. This article refers to the stress that Elephants are under due to actions such as your own, and the psychosocial damage that results. SHAME, SHAME ON YOU dear M.E.T. DO THE RIGHT THING! Bring the girls home.

P.S. if you think that running out of peanuts is your biggest challenge wait till they do their 'business' on that newspaper.

Respectfully,
The Girls Rightful Caregiver


Hmm. We realized that this would require a lot of newspaper. After a great deal of thought, we decided to give Debbie a second chance. After all, we learned that her 50th birthday is fast approaching; we have heard that such a milestone can addle a person's mind temporarily. We posted signs in our window informing her of our decision.

Debbie complied. Although it was difficult for us to part with the Girls, we must admit that we were comforted by the fact that Debbie arrived at our headquarters surrounded by people who vowed to support her in her care of the Girls.

From our vantage point across the driveway, we will continue to monitor the Girls' welfare. In the meantime, enjoy the photo array below, which captures the Girls' reunion with Debbie and her support network.

Did we mention the underaged drinking?

Disgraceful

Pachyderm Rescue

We recently absconded with seven elephants who were not bonding with their so-called "caregiver." These creatures, sadly named collectively as just "the Girls," were shockingly tiny and fragile. They were obviously failure-to-thrive cases but they had never received medical attention.

Tragically, during our rescue mission we discovered several other disturbing scenes of abuse and neglect. We only had enough personpower to liberate the Girls, but we made certain to secure photographic evidence in order to justify future rescues.

Below are a few examples of the mistreatment that we observed. A warning to our more sensitive readers that these images may be upsetting.

Fish out of water -- literally


A serious case of malnourishment -- this moose was left with nothing to eat except for a few stale chocolate coins.


A closer look reveals the emaciated corpse of a young female elephant who was evidently tarted up to participate in beauty pageants.


This young bumblebee nearly suffocated after being left to play with a plastic bag.


The overcrowded conditions seen here aren't fit for sardines, let alone bears.


You can see the terror on the little chick's face as she and her moose-sibling are forced to live with an absolute monster.


Oh, the humanity!

To find out how you can help with future rescue missions, contact TheGirlsAreOurs@hotmail.com. Monetary donations are also welcome.